This week I’m going to talk about Third Culture Kids popularly referred to as TCKs. These are kids of the diplomatic, international development, military or international industry personnel whose childhood are spent moving from one country to another and changing schools, friends and environment.

A recent UN conference revealed some disturbing truths by researches conducted on third culture kids. Research shows that despite the excellent socio-economic background they enjoyed due to status of their parents and the good schools they attend, they are very good in languages, have a very high level of confidence but when compared with kids with similar socio-economic background who were stable either in their own countries or a second country, some TCKs fall behind. It went on to say that “after some years there is a high level of decline in achievements both in higher education and professional life. They have a high sense of entitlement due to their background but normally not backed up by efforts and achievements”.

Psychological study of TCKs show an alarming recurrence of certain problems in adult life and suppressed anger and grief they carry from ‘detachments’, being left on their own, processing the many ‘good byes’, lack of concentration and the ‘constant flight mode’ in their professional and private life”.

After reading the document, I spoke with my own TCKs to hear their opinionand here’s what one of them wrote:

TCK: acronym for Third Culture Kids.

First time I heard of Third Culture Kids (TCKs), my mom has just forwarded one of those emails to me. Mom is fond of sending me educational emails or information she thinks I’d use.

I had just moved from Switzerland to Jordan and was getting ready to move one more time. She explained to me that it refers to” a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture” although I did understand how I fit into this category, I didn’t give it much thought.

I’ve never really belonged to any categories and it has always been something I have been proud of, as it allows me to just jump from a “social group” to another and mix things up.

Then started the lists on Buzz-feed – you know, the ones you see on facebook that go along the lines of 25 things only British do  or 25 things Arabs say or 13 things best friends know– and one of them was Things expat kids experience. The list went on and on and every single point applied to me one way or another, and I noticed via the comments that most – if not all – of my TCK friends felt the same way.

Finally I realised that we have our own category. We were TCKs. I felt great about it. There is no more shame or embarrassment due to the fact that I couldn’t answer the question “Where are you from?” or “What are you?”

To me I was more than just a nationality, I had built myself on more than that, I felt a bit Arab, Nigerian with a bit of Ivorian, French of course, definitely some South African and so on. Relocation was neither a burden nor a choice. It’s an integral part of who I am, probably because it hadn’t been my decision but my parents’. I was born in expatriation. It’s all I had ever known and who I want to be.

In spite of the positive vibes around being a TCK, sometimes it is also a source of problem. Indeed, moving to an international environment like Jordan, in an international school was blissful. Everybody had moved once, twice or four or five times and those who hadn’t, had grown up in this cosmopolitan atmosphere, hence cultural appurtenance could not be an issue. But moving to a small town in a very locally minded region could on the other hand make one’s live a living hell. This happened to me in a small town in Switzerland. The difference in school systems coupled with the fact that I was 1 year ahead academically back in France translated into my being 2 or 3 years younger than my Swiss class mates. The ancient rivalry between French and Swiss gave them grounds to attack me;  my fluency in three languages then and my determination and willingness to master the German language as well as they did definitely didn’t help.

I tried hard to conform but for them, I was just too different. I was a twelve years old girl in a class of 5^th generation Swiss white and very close minded young men and women. I was very keen on world politics in a Swiss that’s the most notoriously neutral of the world; no debate, all’s fine. How could I fit in?

Finding TCK, reading what people other than my mother had to say, knowing I was not alone and we all had our own story made me come to peace with my difference. I now happen to be a TCI (Third Culture Individual), but that does not define me. Neither does my birthplace nor my parents nationalities.

[legend title=”BE UR SELF” style=”1″]

Experience makes the person. If you happen to have lived in the same region all your life, you will have different issues to a person who has never stayed more than 2 years on the same spot and that’s fine. The key is being okay with yourself. Like Winnie says, just be yourself! It’s hard, it’s a journey, but the inner peace and happiness that comes with it is priceless. No one should have to feel guilty about being different. In today’s world everything is unique, difference is the norm.

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I’d like to end this saying that being different is okay. If people ask me what I am now, I still don’t have a perfect answer, but it’s not a problem anymore. It’s not about what I am. It’s about who I am: TCK, and happy to be”.

Hope you enjoyed the reading. If your kids identify with the report, it is not a fatality.  I'd encourage you to share this with your kids. Share your comments and opinions, your kids are invited to share their experiences too. If they wish to publish them, I promise I will.

P.S. If your kids identify with the result of the research and need help to assume their status, invite them to get in touch with me for solutions.

Things to Know Before Hiring a Life Coach

What is life coaching? It is a future-based client-oriented approach aimed at guiding clients to focus on their strengths in order to achieve a desired goal rather than on their “weak” points. As the name implies, life coaching sessions takes a whole-person context by attending to a clients’ private and professional well-being into consideration.

Life Coaching is a process employed by Life Coaches to move their clients from where they are to where they want to be either in their personal or professional lives through the use of powerful thought-provoking questions among other techniques. It is a motivating, inspiring, positive, and action-driven collaboration and is a very effective way of promoting change in individuals; it puts you in control of your life by bringing out the best and unexplored traits in you; it is an equal partner relationship based on mutual trust between the coach and the client.

The coach guarantees confidentiality and is guided by ethics and code of conduct. The collaboration begins with client’s decision to seek a coach and be coached which means that they have the desire to change.

Life coaching does not believe in success or failures. It’s a question of appreciation. What you consider your weak point might turn out to be your most precious trait. Life coaching assist clients to set their priorities right. For example I once had an unemployed client who was desperate to get a job. On our first session, after she had enunciated her situation and goals, it was clear to me that her goal wasn’t the issue. I informed her of my observation but she remained adamant on her goal. After 3 sessions, she realised I was right because she got her dream job but it didn’t bring her the joy and relief she had expected. Ordinarily, one would think that our collaboration failed BUT NO; it opened her eyes to her real problems which she tackled head on in order to move on. So like we say in coaching, it’s not always about getting the desired result but rather about discovering the REAL obstacles to your progress and helping you tackle it to guarantee your happiness and fulfilment. A coach is able to regulate his/her strong emotions that sometimes come up during the sessions, and help the client to do the same. Personal or Life Coaching may be a life-changing experience. It has the potential to transform your life”.

Here’s an article by my tutor Dr Marina Makous, to enable you appreciate the power of Coaching: “Life Coaching is an experience that can help individuals achieve their goals and shape a better future for themselves. It is not therapy or counseling.

• What would you be doing with your life if you were not afraid to fail?
• What would you be doing if you knew you only had 1 year to live?
• On a scale of 0-10, how close is your life today to the life you want to live?

Some of you may have answered these questions easily, while others had trouble coming up with an answer on the spot. In either case, these are the kinds of questions that a client would look at and dig into with the help of a life coach.

[notice]Life Coaching is a professional relationship where an individual is engaged in the process of self-discovery, setting goals and taking steps to a richer, happier and more fulfilling life.[/notice]

Let’s look at each word separately:

Professional relationship means a confidential relationship with a trained coach. The interaction with the client provides a sacred space for a client to unfold, to look within herself for answers. The coach provides insightful questions and listens for the true voice without judgment or advice giving.

Why no advice giving?

Because when we give advice, we insinuate: “I know better than you.” How many times a day do you hear advice from others? How often do you choose to take it? How does it feel when you are talking to someone, a friend, a relative, your family, and instead of giving you space to carefully unfold your thoughts, examine them with a patient and respectful listener, come to your own conclusions, and being able to look at different options that you see, you get a reflexive and quick “advice”? In coaching, there is a conviction that advice-giving takes the power away from the individual and reduces the motivation to solve problems and move forward.

For example, let’s say your cousin tells you she wants to lose weight, suppose she says, 5 kg. What is she likely to hear from friends and family? “Oh, you ought to go on a diet: eat cabbage soup and go to the gym. “Do you think she has not thought of that? What is stopping her? The coach would take a different approach: she would ask about the motives for this decision; what does a person really want for herself, where does she run into difficulties: is it the type of food she chooses? The portion or size? Are certain situations worse than others? Is it lack of exercise/not enough exercise? Maybe the person has a painful knee condition, and needs to find an acceptable alternative to the gym? What are the obstacles?

A life coach looks with the person at the “energy drainers”: things that hang over us that we know we need to do or give up, to free ourselves to do things that we want to do. As you see in this simple example, a coach takes a “problem-solving “approach, where the client is supported in figuring out what she wants, what obstacles may come up, how to overcome those obstacles, and breaks down the goal into tiny manageable steps, something she can start doing right away. The coach and the client co-create an agenda for the week, and the client implements it, while the coach holds the client accountable. Remember, the client created the agenda, with the coach supporting and validating the client, verifying whether the plan is doable, reasonable and consistent with the client’s values and lifestyle.

In coaching, the client is the expert on his/her own life, engaged in the process of self-discovery. Here the goal is to allow the client to hear his/her authentic voice, his/her heart’s desires, without others imposing judgments or criticisms. So many of us have been conditioned to please others, take care of others, placing the needs of others above our own at all times. Looking back at a life lived in that way, often there is a sense of loss, a sense of not attending to your own need for creativity, satisfaction, learning, growth as an individual. We know that others cannot make us happy; we are responsible for our own happiness. When we take responsibility for our own happiness, thoughts and actions, we feel the power to change our life.

Now to the “more fulfilling life”: someone may define “happiness” as “living one’s own values”, when your actions are aligned closely to your personal values. Many people do not know what their values are, so how could they live their values? Through thought-provoking questions, mental imagery and evaluation, the coach can help the client to figure out the client’s values, and help create a life that is aligned closer with what the client wants for him/herself. In coaching we look at various components of a person’s life (the Wheel of Life), and have the client evaluate where she is at the present. Then we coach to “the gap” between what is now, and what the client wants.

Coaching is not a substitute for counseling. It is different, because counseling aims to resolve wounds from the past and heal trauma, and help the person understand why they have been feeling and behaving a certain way, and that healing and self-knowledge allows movement forward. Coaching works well for well-adjusted individuals who want to achieve more, for those who are not held back by past traumas. Often coaching is a natural extension of counseling, the next step after attending to the past and the present, an orientation to the future and its possibilities.

Now let’s look at the individual who employs a coach. It is well suited to well-functioning individuals who want to take their life to a higher, more productive level, and to live their life closer aligned to their inner values.

Finally, let’s examine the Life Coach, what kind of person can do this work? A person trained to really listen, to ask thought-provoking, insightful questions, to observe the client’s emotional reactions to what he/she is saying and thinking and point them out. A good coach has emotional maturity and training, respect for others, an open mind, as well as a commitment to confidentiality and high ethical standards.

Have you just relocated? Are you contemplating relocation? Do you feel overwhelmed by the new cultural challenge after your recent move? Have you just returned to your home country only to find out it doesn’t feel like home anymore? Is your family stressed out by your recent relocation? Are you worried that acclimatization or integration into your international community is taking too long? Or Have the thrills of your recent move abroad given way to desolation? If yes, then here’s my gift to you: Your Guide to Perfect Integration (free ebook) – aims to serve as a jolter to what awaits you as an expatriate, after all, to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Expatriates are often international entrepreneurs, diplomats or military personnel with enticing financial conditions, who are often called upon to migrate. There is another category of expatriates: the “self-imposed expatriates”- those who decide to migrate on their own volition.
Because they (Expatriates and Repatriates) and their families find themselves in a peculiar way of life and are faced with a unique set of challenges due to their frequent international relocations, they need a particular mind-set and attitude to successfully engage in the adventure.
The incentives and favourable general conditions of expatriates usually overshadow the other side of the coin but finance, job availability and destination shouldn’t be the sole criteria; perseverance, strong personality and determination are important qualities for expatriates because as most expatriates (veterans or first time) discover, the experience is not all rosy and the traditional support system of family and friends is absent.
For whatever reasons you decide to expatriate, in order for it to set off on the right foot, aspects such as self and family integration, adaptation, culture shock as well as containing one’s prejudice need to be tackled. The frequency and scope of expats’ move require them and (most especially their spouses and kids) to acclimatise easily and quickly to their new environment. Easier said than done right?
Well that’s the purpose of my Life coaching services – to help you and your family immerse totally into your new local environment and culture and guard against an eventual disillusion in your private or professional lives.
An Expatriation & Global Executive Coach is an expert specialised in helping global mobility agents and their families deal with the challenges that emanate from crossing cultures, due to relocation. I provide clients with the necessary support in adapting to new cultures, identity issues created in relocating families, difficulties pertaining to professional goals. I work with the different members of the family (Expat, Spouse and Children) in order to equip them with the resources needed to immerse into their new environment. And in the spirit of all coaching being life coaching, I help my clients in both their private and professional spheres.
Expatriates and their organisations have come to realise that inadequate preparation (pre-departure and post arrival) of staff and/or their family members has led to many premature termination of assignments, because they are unable to integrate into their new local environment.
Expectations run high during expatriation and the least obstacles or difficulty encountered is often seen as a fiasco. Different people embark on expatriation with different intentions or objectives, it is imperative to have the necessary succour and preparation.

Welcome to my first podcast as a gift to accompanying spouses during the difficult time of relocation.

Life coaching is a whole-person, client-centered approach. Coaching the client’s whole life is the operating system working in the background. No matter what kind of subspecialty a client may seek, all coaching is life coaching says Patrick Williams and Diane S. Menendez in their book “Becoming a Professional Life Coach”.

[legend title=”Life Coaching is” style=”1″]… a future-focused professional relationship between a Coach and the client. It is based on mutual trust and confidentiality and is guided by ethics and code of conduct.[/legend]

Expatriation, Repatriation, TCKs and Cross-Cultural Coaching

Expatriates are often international entrepreneurs or diplomats who migrate for their employers. There is another group called “self-imposed expatriates”, because the decision to migrate is made on their own volition for economic or other reasons.

Their thrilling and enticing conditions of service also has a challenging and adventurous aspect (self and family integration, adaptation, Culture shock, own prejudice). Perseverance and determination are important qualities for expatriates. And cases where employees prematurely terminated their assignments due to their inability, or that of their families, to integrate into their new local environment is rampant.

An Expatriation & Global Executive Coach is an expert who specialises in helping global mobility agents and their families deal with the challenges that emanate from crossing cultures, due to relocation. He/she provide clients with the necessary support in adapting to new cultures, identity issues created in relocating families, difficulties pertaining to professional goals. They work with the different members of the family (Expat, Spouse and Children) in order to equip them with the resource to immerse into their new environment.

To counter the numerous faux pas enumerated above and enjoy a fulfilling expatriation I, Winifred Gaillard, ICF ACSTH certified life Coach specialised in Expatriation, a trailing spouse and mother of 3 Third Culture Kids myself is proposing an all-inclusive pre-departure or post arrival programme for Expats and their families.

Don’t hesitate, contact me today.

Considerations for Expatriation

Spouses: Oftentimes referred to as “The Trailing Spouses or the accompanying partners”. Their immense contributions to the completion of assignment and through supporting and facilitating the transition towards the local culture, for their partners and children. In her dissertation Adaptation of trailing spouse: does gender matter?

Anne M. Braseby, Doctor of Philosophy at Florida International University, Miami, Florida, wrote that Stewart Black (a leading expatriate business scholar) extensively researched the adaptation of expatriate wives with the main purpose of preventing early returns. He and his colleague Hal Gregerson (1991:463) indicates “Firms want to reduce the substantial direct and indirect costs of expatriate failures in overseas assignments and employees want to reduce the probability of failure overseas and the negative impact it would have on their careers”.

Because spouse adjustment can be a substantial factor in the completion of successful overseas assignments and given that most American expatriates have spouses who accompany them overseas (Black 1988, Black and Stephens 1989, Harvey 1985), it seems crucial to comprehend more about the cross-cultural adjustment of spouses.

Children: Third Culture Kid (TCK)“A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture. The TCK builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any.Although elements from each culture are assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background.” (Pollock and Van Reken, 1999)

Post-expatriation or Repatriation: This is when the assignment comes to an end whether prematurely or full term. Although most returnees experience one form of post-expatriation or re-entry anxiety or another, the circumstances surrounding repatriation plays a role, e.g. an expat who returns prematurely is likely to be more vulnerable for the simple reason he/she did not have time to prepare his/herself emotionally or mentally, he/she might think people will consider them a failure for not being able to complete their assignment and the fact that the record might affect them in future if they want to apply for a foreign assignment.

Did you just relocate? Are you contemplating to relocate? Do you feel overwhelmed by the new cultural challenge after your recent move? Have you just returned to your home country only to find out it doesn’t feel like home anymore? Is your family stressed out by your recent relocation? Are you worried that acclimatization or integration into your international community is taking too long? Have the thrills of your recent move abroad given way to desolation?

If you answered yes to any of these, welcome to the exhilarating, overwhelming, rewarding and challenging world of expatriation. Everything seems to change when you move to a new country – every day is different: full of adventure and discovery, excitement and anxiety. You start “having butterflies in your stomach” (the feeling every expatriate witnesses (at least once) in the course of his/her career – excitement mixed with apprehension and fear of the unknown: land, people, values and culture.

Every family member apprehends the move differently;

• The expat doubts his choice to expatriate, his capability to meet new professional expectations, fears that he might fail his family in the event of early termination of his contract.

• How to meet both private and professional responsibilities and maintain a healthy balance between them so that neglect from one doesn’t rub off on the other.

• Family members worry about the friends and family they’re leaving behind;

• How to find their bearing and make sense of the whole sensation running through you?

This is where my services (Expat & Global Executive Coach) come in. I’ll help you align your private and professional lives as well as help you and your family tackle the different phases of emotion that surfaces during the installation and adaptation stages of expatriation. I’m professionally trained to keep your expatriation anxiety in check. I’ll tell you more about that and how I do it at a later stage.

Understanding expatriation:

Expatriation is changing face. Gone are the days when expatriation was synonymous to diplomacy. The world has become a global village and many institutions, companies and organisations are taking advantage of this by investing beyond borders, their staffs too. Relocation has become part and parcel of the recruitment process and people are becoming curious and opening up to the world around them.

Because Expatriates, Repatriates, International Professionals and their families find themselves in a peculiar way of life and are faced with a unique set of challenges due to their frequent international relocations, they need a particular mind-set and attitude to carry out their oversea moves. Finance, job availability and destination shouldn’t be the sole criteria, character and personality counts.

You’ll need to anticipate and plan your departure and arrival. A ready list of actions to take like: cancellation of service subscriptions: phones, electricity, water; eventually subscribing mail forwarding service etc before leaving as this might encroach on your integration.

In her article on expatriation, Jacquelyn Smith of Forbes quotes Ryan Kahn, career coach, founder of The Hired Group and author of Hired! The Guide for the Recent Grad, as saying, the process requires you to find a new place to call home, become acquainted with your new environment, master a new job, and build a new support network—all at the same time. “A lot of hard work will go into being successful at all of these things, but hopefully you find out that it’s everything you’ve wanted.”

Expatriates like every human being differ from one another. Family composition is an important component to consider during expatriation.  The family needs and expectations of a single, couple without kids, and couple with kids can never be the same. Even among couples with kids; their needs and expectations differ according to the ages of their kids. I went on my first assignment as a newly-wed and then started having kids; as they grew, so did their requirements. For the purpose of this article, I’ll make general cases and you’re welcome to adapt the tips to suit your individual needs.

Who is an expatriate?

Because we are a community of Expats, we’ll skip this.

Why do people expatriate?

People expatriate for different reasons: greener pastures, service to humanity or philanthropy, desire to explore the world and so on. It is necessary to understand and always remember your reasons for expatriating because this will help you through stressful times. Life as an expatriate could be very daunting. You’re relocating to a foreign land with foreign language, culture and values and away from family and friends; a real cocktail for high level anxiety and stress. Your spouse (if you have one) is your best ally in this adventure; you’ll need each other’s understanding and support.

For whatever reasons you embark on expatriation, proper planning (self-organisation and psychological preparation) is necessary to avoid failure, proper planning would make the experience life enriching and fun-packed. Certain personality traits like perseverance and determination (whether in-born or acquired), are also vital to successful expatriation.  But if you intend to escape to a tropical island or country away from family, a disastrous relationship or bad weather or for any other reason for a while, then your best bet will be to take a vacation NOT to expatriate. Life as a tourist is very different from life as an expatriate. An expat needs to invest and immerse into the local culture among others, the locals need to see your commitment and efforts to belong.

Important elements to consider prior to expatriation
to ensure a fulfilling experience include:

Who’s expatriating?

• Single person expatriation is an easier decision to make because every consideration is about you and what you want or like.

• Couple: having the consent of your partner is necessary especially since he/she is the future stay at home accompanying spouse (an uneasy status) for a professionally active spouse.

• Family with kid(s) calls for a more serious reflection and negotiation for the good of all. It is advisable to involve everyone once you start contemplating expatriation; hear everyone’s views and address everyone’s fears. Do not ignore any worries.

Who decided?

• Was it a collective decision? A collective decision as well as the choice of destination goes better when deciding to expatriate, the trip is planned together and everyone’s expectations are taken into consideration. But when it comes as a surprise, the other party sometimes feels excluded and betrayed and the adventure starts on a wrong footing as there might be objection and resistance from that other partner. Knowing that you’re going to trade in your good job with a lot of responsibilities and recognition at home for a stay at home status (accompanying spouse) is delicate and demands serious reflection and adjustments. The success or none thereof of the experience largely depends on the willingness, personality and commitment of the spouse.

• Remember to check with your firm for the provision of an eventual assistance; you’ll need all the help you can muster. Also check out for possible employment opportunities for spouse.

Where?

• Although some locations are friendlier than others, an expat posting inevitably affects family relationships for better or worse: the new job and environment might permit the family to spend more time together thereby creating closeness OR it might take Expat away very often and this might create tension and the family may drift apart. This is why spouse support is paramount. You should not underestimate the pressure the assignment will put on your entire family.

• Arming yourself with background information on your chosen destination regarding its culture and value in order to reduce the culture-shock is also advisable.

Instead of wishing that your family is capable of handling every situation, it’s much better to prepare to deal with any eventualities; a stitch in time saves nine.

• Informing yourself with “open mind” about your future place of abode, yet leaving enough space for on the spot-discovery and surprise is necessary and if you can visit before relocating, don’t hesitate.

My next topic would be on the expat spouse popularly called “trailing partner or the accompanying spouse” and the roles they play.  I look forward to your contributions and opinions.

[notice]P.S. It is really important to understand the differences between an expatriate, an immigrant and a tourist in order to make a wise and calculated decision. The article “Who’s an expat and who’s an immigrant? (in Germany)”, might make a good reading.[/notice]

P.P.S.   Any burning issues? Give it a shot.

For help in living your dream expatriation either on one-on-one or group coaching sessions for all family members, skype or by email: info@linkcoaching.com.